diamond in the rough

we have had some serious shitty weather around these parts for the past couple of weeks. it rained for, what felt like, days on end. it was windy and cold, too. the kids were couped up inside the house and it was getting on all of our nerves. the weather changed this past saturday for the better. i was at work, so i don’t count that. i was couped up inside the hospital friday, saturday, and sunday. 40 hours in 3 days just isn’t very fun. i know erik and the kids enjoyed the weather, though.

yesterday, though, we had a taste of summer. it was 76 degrees and gorgeous! eliza and i went on a great walk and after that we picked wyatt up from school and headed to colonel francis j. beatty park in matthews. for those of you that were here for poppie’s memorial 3 years ago, it is that park. it’s awesome and the kids love it! we played for about 3 hours with some friends and then headed home. we all needed a day like that.

checking out the lake and the ducks

eliza lingered a little bit. she loved the ducks and was trying to run down the hill toward the lake to get a really good look. you have to watch this girl closely.

swinging back up at the play area

 

shop girl

eliza loves to shop now that she is more mobile. here she is at ikea, helping me out.

we looked around, mostly, and lusted after some ikea kitchens. man, i would kill to do a little work in the house. i love all of the clean lines and simple style at ikea.

so did eliza.

halloween

i missed work this weekend because of a bug. ugh, no fun. i felt pretty bad on saturday, but by the night i was able to help get the kids ready for a very short trick or treating trip. it rained pretty hard here. wyatt was happy to get some candy and eliza was happy to take her spider costume off and play with her treats.

she wasn’t sure if she wanted to put on the spider outfit…

wyatt is spooooookyyyy…

she decided she was okay with it…

our last stop was at nonnie’s house to get the real goods. they scored candy and glowing necklaces, a flashing pirate bag, and a kitty cat bag with a pumpkin necklace.

hope everyone had a happy halloween!

it’s a party

wyatt had his kindergarten halloween party for his class today. he was so excited this morning when he woke up!

we made necklaces, ate caramel apples and sugar cookies, read a story, and played halloween bingo!

 

time for FIVE LITTLE PUMPKINS…

 

wyatt’s best girl in the class, kaley…

 

his best friend in the class, efrin, is moving this week. wyatt came home last week and told me about it. i asked, “are you upset, bud?” and he said, “no, i’m just very sad mom.” he went to the couch and laid down. ugh… breaks my heart.

here is efrin and wyatt…

 

class photo with ms. sutphin, his teacher, and her assistant, ms. kessler…

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

atl and greenville

we made it back from our weekend excursion to atlanta to see the georgia aquarium. we picked wyatt up from school and headed out. of course, we had to stop at chick fil a because wyatt eats lunch at 10:30 and is always starving after school. we went through the drive thru and we were on our way! we all ate. even eliza. i threw her a chicken nugget or two back in her car seat and she was happy as a clam. we all had drinks from chick fil a, except for eliza. this always pisses her off royally. she wants a damn cup with a lid and a straw. nothing reusable. only what we have! i obliged and gave wyatt my drink and gave her wyatt’s small cup with water in it. whatever will make a 16 month old happy on a 5 hour drive. i never looked back. big mistake.

we stopped in gaffney, sc to hit the starbucks and, more importantly, the bathroom in it. i got drinks and made my way out to the car and i noticed eliza’s car seat sitting out in the parking lot. when i made my way up to it, i knew why. it was soaking wet and so was eliza. the chick fil a cup was torn and open. erik stripped her down just to her dipe and we tried our best to clean the seat. i, thankfully, had a blanket in my bag to put under her. wyatt then declared he had to “take a doo.” ugh. the projected 10 minute stop ended up lasting about 35 minutes. oh well. we are on vacation, dammit.

besides that side excursion and hitting atlanta’s drive home the trip there was not bad at all. everybody did great. eliza and wyatt watched ‘the jungle book’ and were great the whole way there. eliza only had tiny bits of shrill screaming just to let us know she was still in the van and that she was ready to be in atlanta.

we went out for mexican that night and watched a little basketball on tv. lights were out and eliza did surprisingly well in her pack n play.

the next morning we were ready for the aquarium!

it was a neat aquarium and we got there before it got too busy. when we were leaving, it was getting very busy. wyatt loved the stingray touch pool. they felt slimy and slick. eliza’s favorite part was the huge tank theater. she got to get up close and personal with the sharks, fish, and rays. she was pointing and kept squealing!

this was how big the theater tank was…

it was really fascinating and educational.

we left with goodies and headed out. we decided to stop in greenville, sc on our way home.  i love this town. the shops are neat, the people are friendly, the food is good. besides, we needed to stretch our legs and we get something to eat. we walked main street for about an hour and then ate. we made sure to hit the toy store and the mast general store for candy. yum!

the weather was warmer here and the sun was out. the leaves are pretty much at their peak here, too. it was beautiful and relaxing.

happy thursday!

i woke up this morning and got wyatt off to school at 7:20. eliza and i were home by 7:30. we each ate a yogurt and drank some juice. i plopped her in the playroom surrounded by her books. i got a pot of coffee going, made all of the beds, loaded the dishwasher, got the kitchen all cleaned up and wiped down, and my first load of laundry in the washer. while she was still busy playing, the vacuuming started. i vacuumed the whole house and sat down with my coffee to check my emails by 8:50. my point in writing this all down? i am turning into my mother before my very own eyes. it used to get.on.my.nerves. how she would have her day going and laundry going before 8 or 9am. why did she do this?? i didn’t understand. now i totally do. i feel ready for my day. my mind is at ease. is it a sickness? i don’t know and i don’t care. i like it, dammit!

erik is getting home from tampa tonight. yea! we are sending wyatt to school tomorrow, but we are picking him up at carpool and we are heading to atlanta for the weekend. the aquarium in atlanta is supposed to be one of the best in the world and wyatt is so excited to get to see it! i think eliza will enjoy it too. heck, i don’t even care. we are just getting away, as a family, and that is enough for me. i will definitely post pictures of our weekend excursion when we get back.

in the meantime, here are some pics of eliza motoring around this morning. i think she was annoyed with my vacuuming.

here she is chasing after the camera.

have a great weekend!

still flowing

today is not the exact day it all happened 3 years ago. i’m 3 days shy of the exact day.

i guess today 3 years ago would be the day i wish i would have told you all of the things that 3 days from this day i didn’t know i wasn’t going to have the chance to.

i don’t think i talked to you for almost 5 days before you left us. you were back at work and feeling great. who would have known that 3 days from this day that you’d be

gone forever.

i guess no explanations are needed for you and me, but it wasn’t always roses for us. about 15 years to be exact. it is funny how 15 years of hardship can all be water under the bridge after a few great conversations and “i love yous.”

i never in a million years dreamed i would be across the street from you, with my husband and child. it happened, though, and i am grateful and thankful.

if i wasn’t across the street, you couldn’t have walked over with your coffee cup and we could not have mended a broken relationship. i was not, biologically, yours and i will never be. you could have fooled me.

i miss you a lot. i want to tell you all about wyatt and the funny things he says now. he would have watched way too much sportscenter with you and marveled you with all of his knowledge on baseball, football, and basketball teams. this would have been something you guys really bonded over. can i get 5 minutes with you and him to watch this? oh man, this would have been a sight. he still does motorcycle hands when he gets excited and i know they would be going if he could spend this time with you and tell you everything he knows. he is such a sweet boy and you would love being around him.

i want you to hold eliza and tell me how beautiful she is. she looks a lot like wyatt and guess what? she does the hands too! you would love her so much.

i want to walk over to your house, like i used to, and plop down on the couch and talk to the both of you and decide what we are having for dinner. i enjoy doing crosswords now. could we do one together? by the way, i stole your crossword dictionary from the house the other day.

life has changed.

it changed too quickly.

i still remember that day, the phone call and answering it. “hello?”… it was amy, “…they tried everything…” i got socked in the stomach and throat. i don’t really remember what happened after that. i remember dropping the phone. i know erik came home. wyatt woke up from his nap at some point. it truly is all a blur, and i have to say i’m thankful.

the things i do remember are all i want to remember. not that horrific day. the good ones. funny how the brain and memory works this way. you certainly were not perfect, nor am i. we all make mistakes, but we can all mend them. thank you for doing this. thank you for the i love yous, and i’m proud of yous.

i kept a small journal for wyatt and after you died i wrote about the morning i told wyatt. it was early sunday morning, the day after your memorial. i didn’t sleep well (for months, in fact) that night and i went ahead and got up at 5 am. crying in bed got old, so i moved it to the den. wyatt must have heard me. he got up and crawled next to me on the couch. i knew i was going to have to say it. out loud. to my son. i dreaded it. i tried not to blubber and told him that you left to be with jesus in the sky. this would be something he understood. your body and your heart were just so tired. you had a lot stacked up against you. it would break anyone. he looked at me with his big blue eyes and said, “okay.” we just sat there and he  watched while i cried and then said, “don’t worry mommy, poppie in ‘heaben’ with a doggy with 3 leggies.” this tickled me. he had no idea what ‘forever’ meant. i did, and it hurt.

i still talk to wyatt and eliza about you. death is the end of new memories, but not of old ones. i talk about my grandma bonnie and grandpa jim to both of my kids. this is keeping their memory alive for me through them. i want wyatt to still have those memories, even if the only knowledge of them is me telling him about them over the years.

unprompted, he still tells me at random times that he is ready to see you again, “when can i see poppie, mom?”. i don’t cry as much anymore when he says this, i just smile and tell him that i’m ready to as well, but we can’t. it’s just the way life works. i don’t tell him how much it sucks, but it does.

i miss you. i really do. i want you to know that i am so proud of you. i know you were so scared and the weight was heavy on your heart. you fought hard and things didn’t turn out like we had all hoped. it was a stroke of bad luck and ill timing. it was too soon.

we are still here. we are still us, but we are missing something.

we are still figuring out how to be complete

without you

we are not.

you will never be forgotten.  i love you up to sky, down to dangerous.

home bodies

erik loves to draw and paint. he’s really talented and i hope our kids get some of his artistic talent. last weekend i called home from the hospital and erik told me eliza was painting with him. huh?

i, being the anal one, would absolutely never allow her to even be near a marker at this point, let alone a paint brush chalk full of color. he said she was really enjoying it. later that week, one evening, erik got out some crayons and said eliza liked those too. they started coloring together.

she’s growing up way too fast. the things she does and the looks she gives while doing those things just seem too old.

i want to stunt her in this stage and enjoy it for about a year.

she and wyatt have been really interacting more and more.

i knew i didn’t want kids too close together, but after wyatt had his seizure life sort of stopped during that time. no babies were on my mind for quite a while. when we finally did decide to throw caution to the wind, he was almost 4. i thought it might have been a mistake to wait. now, of course, it seems perfect. wyatt is at school and i get baby time with eliza. as she becomes more aware, her and wyatt’s relationship is growing. i know they might not always be best friends, (read: hate each other during adolescence) but in time (read: adulthood) they will.

i can’t help but think of my own relationship with my brother when i watch them.

example:

she wants everything wyatt has. why can’t she play video games, too?

seems innocent… like…

“but mom, i’m just sitting here and waiting my turn”

“when will wyatt hand the game over?”

then BAM she goes in for what she wants. all the while he just sits there

taking it and knowing that he’s the big brother and big brothers

must get beat on by their sisters when they have something little sis wants.

not rosie

eliza was sick over the weekend. she had a high fever that we were having trouble breaking, even with motrin and tylenol.

all of this swine flu frenzy has me paranoid. i usually wouldn’t call the pediatrician for just a fever, but i did on saturday. i left work on my lunch break and met erik there.

the nurse practitioner saw her and said everything looked okay, but she had a red throat. probably just a virus, she said.

i ended up on call on sunday and got to stay at home. yea! for being on call. i wanted to just nest and take care of eliza. she followed me around most of the day and whined a good bit. by the evening, she was fever free.

today, wyatt was off school. we slept in until about 8. i laid eliza down for an early nap at 10. when she woke up she had a rash on the side of her face. uh-oh.

i took wyatt to get a haircut and out to lunch. eliza’s rash slowly moved all over her face and down to her tummy at doolittle’s. double uh-oh.

i know this rash… it’s roseola. it is a virus. wyatt had it back when he was 2, and now sissy does. thankfully, she feels much better now. she looks like a leper, but feels like a rock star.

we went here for lunch and it was delicious! eliza still charmed the wait staff, even looking like a leper.

wyatt ate and wanted to take some pictures with my phone, so i let him explore and do what he wanted.

he is already a talented photog, even at 5 years old. check out these:

isn’t he talented?

i think so, too.

we love her to pieces… 15month5dayupdate

you are discovering more and more every day. you blow kisses goodbye to daddy and wyatt as they leave in the morning, waving to yourself as they walk out.

as daddy drinks his coffee you point with your little chubby fingers and say, “hot” as clear as any 15 month old i know.

you are vocal and you want everyone to hear you. you scream when someone takes what you think you need. it’s not a normal scream. it’s a piercing scream. yesterday i took something you shouldn’t have away from you and you screamed in protest and then tried to bite me on the shoulder. you cut your eyes at me right before you bit and stopped yourself. bad girl, but smart girl.

what e dat, dat? dat? constantly.

meow! and then smiles when you see max or taj.

what do puppy dogs say eliza? “wuh, wuh” grin.

mamamamammaaaaa… all.the.time. i love it.

eye-yat. when he gets in the car from school. you are so happy to see your bubbas.

when mommy or daddy puts wyatt to bed, you try to sneak in his room. you squeal with excitement that you busted in his room and can disrupt the nighttime routine.

you can walk, but choose to still scooter around on your left thigh. you look like the cutest baboon we’ve ever seen. take your time walking. we are in no rush.

you are petite, but feisty. nobody is going to ever pull a fast one on you.

you love playing with your books and toys, baby dolls included. “uhh baby”. you also love transformers, cars, blocks, and legos.

every time you see a ball you point and say, “baw”

you dance wildly to all music that is hip-hop and really anything with a good beat, preferably bass. you will be a booty-shaker.

you still say “aw-hum”, but you are more picky about when you use the phrase.

you are a mess when you eat. no matter what the food is, it ends up on the floor and in your hair.

playing on the bed before we tuck you in is your, and our, favorite nighttime ritual. you wrestle with wyatt and walk and fall down, head first. you show no fear.

daddy “roaaarrs” at you and pretends he’s a scary bear and you promptly “roarrrr” back.

you give kisses ni-night to everyone and we head to your room.

we love you to pieces baby doll.